Being in the Mountains!

"My father considered a walk among the mountains as the equivalent of churchgoing."
Aldous Huxley

How do you know who i am?

I used to be a member of one of the meet-up groups and i had received an email from a female aqunitence that i have met during one of the gatherings suggesting a concert that i would be interested at because its "my type" of a thing. At the beginning i was interested to know how she could assume my type or to even to know me while we only had 2 briefed conversations. So, i sent an email back to her with lots of humour in it talking about that i spent a life journey trying to know who i am ( know thyself) and still trying to figure out the complexity of my emotional construct. And here she comes bottling my whole life journey claiming that she already knows my type!I wasn't frustrated or even angry, on the contrary i loved the fact that some one would be courageous to make such a comment. However, i didn't hear from her since. Its probably the Vancouverite thing that they used to shy away when ever there is an intellectual conflict is on the way. Any ways, the reason im writing this is because you have said something last night : how do you know me? It could be just a shoot in the dark comment or not even an important one, but still an interesting subject to me. I think one of the deepest needs for "us", humans! is to be "understood" or to feel that others can read us right specially if we know that a lot of our actions are emotionally driven where there is no language to interpretation most of our behaviours. In other words, i will do what i will do but i cant explain why, its just the way i am and you need to understand! . And we are the luckiest i guess if we could have met some one who can read us instantly and we have this sensitive and euphoric relation that through it you can be just yourself and when you gaze in the eyes of your friend or partner you find the same depth that tells you : he or she understands without even any spoken words!I dreamt about that and maybe still, but in the shadow (or call it the light maybe!) of my personal limited life experiences i start to realize that there is some truth and some myths and they all blend together in a way it can become a but confusing to sperate between both. The way our personal opinions about who we are is mostly constructed through how others look at us. And those others usually the closest circle to the individual. So, if people call us "sweet" then we are sweet. and if they call us "bad" then we are bad. We are just a mere thought or an opinion in others minds. Till we reach an age or probably a phase in our life to start to realize that there is some truth and some untruth in a lot of what have been told to us. Now, im going to say this and maybe it defies the traditional psychology, but i guess the more the individual grows suspicious about the cultural and parental projections on him or her the more sane they are. In other words, individuals that project a more dogmatic and unexamined ideas and beliefs about them selves, these guys looks more stable and confident in life and able to get into what looks like healthy relationships. Others who grew up in an unsupportive environment that has shaken their self esteem and provides negative projections about them selves. Usually, they tend to be less trusting and suspicious about others opinions because they have tried that before and it seems it didn't work. I think the later are more realistic in their look at life, but it just a stage before the next step which "probably" lead to the the realization that the persona or self esteem is just a psychological thought that it resides in the mind and could be changed. So, rather than to have a life time crisis dwelling around the idea of how to make things better. Its maybe better to question the motives behind this life journey seek to get better and maybe the "thing" we want to fix doesn't even exist. And i mean with the thing : the persona. Or the way i am really are. I spent a life journey and still trying to figure out what went wrong and why? and still the pain caused in the past is still popping up in certain circumstances and i have to deal with it even if i deeply knew that it its not real. But the pain accompanying feels so real and accumulating physically in my body like what's happening in my knees. There is a small ray of light here that things are getting better by time and i can feel it. I guess that not all what we have been told about our selves is true and in the same time i find some (very few) is a realistic mirroring and i tend to stop and listen and that's how i dearly learn and feel grateful.

The Great Void

It is obvious that our whole world lies within the limitation of our culturally created "language". Of course this put us a part from our far more deep and complex world of "emotions" and feelings that in fact governs our conscious world, like it or not!
I think sometimes even when we talk about the "truth" as a word, its actually limited to the very individual interpretation of the person that has launched the word itself. which puts us in-front of a bigger question which is : what is "truth" that lies beyond the limitation of the individuality of the personal?

The way i see it (now!) is, the truth "maybe" lies in the person himself/herself. Our emotional system is far more complex than i previously thought and probably others had thought before too. I can imagine it as a small receiver and transmitter device that is entangled in a expansive cosmic web of energy. We receive, try to find a meaning of what we receive or the process of making sense of this flux of information, and then put it in a form of language that varies from an individual to the other.
The more the individual is attuned to their complexity the more they can comprehend about what they feel in a more deeper and universal way. Thats why we have philosophers that their theories re-shaped the face of the world and others that lived their lives in the culturally created world and they were happy about it.
One of my earliest mistakes during my psychology studies, i thought that i can bottle one human being emotional experience in one theory or another trying to help them find a meaning of what they experience. And i guess i was totally wrong! . The whole therapeutic process doesn't happen after the therapist goes home and read more about the case or think deeper, in fact it happens during the lively dialog happening moment to moment between the two minds. I dont think that any psychological theory what ever it was would be able to encompass the human mind emotional experience. Not because its too difficult but simply because its never constant, its always on the move and keeps changing.
The whole persona construct are built during the external dialog with some one else or the internal dialog with a figure of a parent or any other creature from our near individual unconscious or even the collective unconscious of the whole universe.
I sometimes feel stupid that i have thought one day that i can bring something new to psychology!. I my self experience this great "void" of nothingness that scare the hell of me when im faced with it, when ever i try to avoid any masks of my personas. It seems that the whole idea of the persona lies in the very doing of interacting with some one else.
The moment you are solely and totally with your self and even without the internal dialog too, i experience the "nothingness" and it really irritates me because there i can find no language to describe what im feeling. Its this moment when you are in deep meditation and suddenly you found that your whole life is "nothing"!
This nothingness i guess is the "truth" that is unspoken and will never be spoken in a limited language.

The Myth of Power

"Perhaps there is no such thing as unilateral power. After all, the man ‘in power’ depends on receiving information all the time from outside. He responds to that information just as much as he ‘causes’ things to happen...it is an interaction, and not a lineal situation.
But the myth of power is, of course, a very powerful myth, and probably most people in this world more or less believe in it. It is a myth, which, if everybody believes in it, becomes to that extent self-validating. But it is still epistemological lunacy and leads inevitably to various sorts of disaster."
Gregory Bateson

Tapping into new Terrains

I have noticed one very generalizing sentence that you said : " Men want to feel that they are needed in order to feel secure". And you thought that you were not the average girl that typically show the male that she "needs" him. But thinking about this a bit, isn't that not totally true?. I mean if you didn't "need" him, why would you bother being in a relationship ?.
I guess the need is there, but probably you tend not to express it. The other point, is probably we tend to issue generalized and dogmatic sentences the most when we have an emotional projection. Im not sure if it was worth introspective to navigate within to find if there was an internal projection behind this broad sentence.
In other words i can hear what you said is this way:
" I cant feel that i am needed in a relationship unless im "fixing" or "doing" something to the guy".
" and in order to secure a stable and satisfying relationship where guys stays along, he needs to have something wrong with him that keeps me "in need".
" and its all true because : All Males feel insecure when they are not needed.
" and because im not the average girl, i cant feed in their "insecurity" and make them feel needed all the time"

So, what is the solution ?
Aha!, .. look for some one who will always needs me, even if i didnt show that i needs them. And the only males that will fit in that description are : the males that are insecure and needs some one to fix something in them!

Now its me back speaking ... There could be a cycle of that what you fear the most ( the insecure males) is what you are unconsciously looking for in fact. This makes me question the motive inside you that makes you attracted about men who are "in need" for you based on their insecurities.
Questions for you:
- Do you feel that there is nothing to be admired in you rather than to be needed?
- Can you feel that you could be needed not because you are fixing something, but just because you are a great person to be with, even you just sat there doing your own stuff?
- Can you feel that you can share your qualities with a partner and "enjoy" the process of exchanging life experiences together, just because its fun?
- can you still be independent and "not the average girl" and still be admired for that?

I believe being wanted and admired is based on who we are ( good and bad) and not based on what we can give to others. Giving and being helpful for other fellow beings is a very rare trait these days and this is so nobel, But, it shouldn't be a compensation for an interior feeling : that im not needed around if im not giving something or doing something to others. It should be instead i enjoy being a giver and share that with others when its possible. Im admired for who i am , and not because of what i can do or achieve. Your beingness in this world is a gift from day one you came here, even when you weren't able to help any one else.
And any one cant see that is their problem and not yours.

The "real" vs " the assumptive"

During a hike to Brunswick Mountain in BC i was trying to genuinely listen to a friend while she was talking and i thought that was hard. Because i wanted to pitch in every single second. But i realised that when ever im talking, im not listening then im not learning. Its just this conversations between two deaf people who continuously throwing their own realities on each others thinking that this is the only fact that can stand on because it make sense to them. On this subject a famous french psychiatric :Jaques Lacan, has wrote about the real and the assumptive symbolic world of the human. When you have talked about Jesse ( im not sure that was his name), it seems that he was a one into a million that is trying to live the real. It made me deeply think for a while how could it be that the masses could be living a sort of an assumptive world and not even trying to tap into the real?. In my opinion the only door that can throw some one into the real ( even if you refused!) is Trauma. Its the moment when your symbolic assumptive world fail to support all these flux of unbearable emotions shooting out through your right brain trying to communicate with you the real stuff. And then cultural symbols that we most learn by talking and socializing from each other fails to include this far deep and complex information and looks at you with empty hands that : i don't understand!This small sentence of "i dont understand" grows bigger and bigger causing pain of dissatisfaction. Which will turn into anger-sadness-depression. It means that our small world of symbols and cultural language is not sufficient to explain what we are going through. its time to tap into the real which lies within rather than to depend on the outside cultural world asking for answers because its very limited and build to limit things up to make it easier on the individual. Some people live on this assumptive world that they have learned through talking to others, so, they are living some one else's experience rather than their very own. Its like trying to use an English dictionary to understand Japanese!. I sensed that pretty much last night when i was trying to read a psychology book. I thought that i was looking at the words like symbols and i failed to understand because my limited vocabulary didnt understand the neuro signals coming from the right side of the brain. Now im going to theorize with little scientific proof that our first entry of stimulus to the brain comes through the sensory or the right brain and not the intellectual or the left brain. Thats why when we love something we tends to score the highest marks in it because our mind is opened and we are in harmony with the real that comes from the right brain. Thats when we are truly listening to our intuitions rather than to make it fit into our limited cultural symbols. The only way i guess to deeply understand the right brain intuition doesn't come from language or culture, it truly comes through meditation and no language. And then the left brain will catch up and catch the moment, just here the process of understanding happens.

The Free Well

“Every act of will is an act of self-limitation. To desire action is to desire limitation. In that sense, every act is an act of self-sacrifice. When you choose anything, you reject everything else.”
G. K. Chesterton quotes