Being in the Mountains!

"My father considered a walk among the mountains as the equivalent of churchgoing."
Aldous Huxley

How do you know who i am?

I used to be a member of one of the meet-up groups and i had received an email from a female aqunitence that i have met during one of the gatherings suggesting a concert that i would be interested at because its "my type" of a thing. At the beginning i was interested to know how she could assume my type or to even to know me while we only had 2 briefed conversations. So, i sent an email back to her with lots of humour in it talking about that i spent a life journey trying to know who i am ( know thyself) and still trying to figure out the complexity of my emotional construct. And here she comes bottling my whole life journey claiming that she already knows my type!I wasn't frustrated or even angry, on the contrary i loved the fact that some one would be courageous to make such a comment. However, i didn't hear from her since. Its probably the Vancouverite thing that they used to shy away when ever there is an intellectual conflict is on the way. Any ways, the reason im writing this is because you have said something last night : how do you know me? It could be just a shoot in the dark comment or not even an important one, but still an interesting subject to me. I think one of the deepest needs for "us", humans! is to be "understood" or to feel that others can read us right specially if we know that a lot of our actions are emotionally driven where there is no language to interpretation most of our behaviours. In other words, i will do what i will do but i cant explain why, its just the way i am and you need to understand! . And we are the luckiest i guess if we could have met some one who can read us instantly and we have this sensitive and euphoric relation that through it you can be just yourself and when you gaze in the eyes of your friend or partner you find the same depth that tells you : he or she understands without even any spoken words!I dreamt about that and maybe still, but in the shadow (or call it the light maybe!) of my personal limited life experiences i start to realize that there is some truth and some myths and they all blend together in a way it can become a but confusing to sperate between both. The way our personal opinions about who we are is mostly constructed through how others look at us. And those others usually the closest circle to the individual. So, if people call us "sweet" then we are sweet. and if they call us "bad" then we are bad. We are just a mere thought or an opinion in others minds. Till we reach an age or probably a phase in our life to start to realize that there is some truth and some untruth in a lot of what have been told to us. Now, im going to say this and maybe it defies the traditional psychology, but i guess the more the individual grows suspicious about the cultural and parental projections on him or her the more sane they are. In other words, individuals that project a more dogmatic and unexamined ideas and beliefs about them selves, these guys looks more stable and confident in life and able to get into what looks like healthy relationships. Others who grew up in an unsupportive environment that has shaken their self esteem and provides negative projections about them selves. Usually, they tend to be less trusting and suspicious about others opinions because they have tried that before and it seems it didn't work. I think the later are more realistic in their look at life, but it just a stage before the next step which "probably" lead to the the realization that the persona or self esteem is just a psychological thought that it resides in the mind and could be changed. So, rather than to have a life time crisis dwelling around the idea of how to make things better. Its maybe better to question the motives behind this life journey seek to get better and maybe the "thing" we want to fix doesn't even exist. And i mean with the thing : the persona. Or the way i am really are. I spent a life journey and still trying to figure out what went wrong and why? and still the pain caused in the past is still popping up in certain circumstances and i have to deal with it even if i deeply knew that it its not real. But the pain accompanying feels so real and accumulating physically in my body like what's happening in my knees. There is a small ray of light here that things are getting better by time and i can feel it. I guess that not all what we have been told about our selves is true and in the same time i find some (very few) is a realistic mirroring and i tend to stop and listen and that's how i dearly learn and feel grateful.

The Great Void

It is obvious that our whole world lies within the limitation of our culturally created "language". Of course this put us a part from our far more deep and complex world of "emotions" and feelings that in fact governs our conscious world, like it or not!
I think sometimes even when we talk about the "truth" as a word, its actually limited to the very individual interpretation of the person that has launched the word itself. which puts us in-front of a bigger question which is : what is "truth" that lies beyond the limitation of the individuality of the personal?

The way i see it (now!) is, the truth "maybe" lies in the person himself/herself. Our emotional system is far more complex than i previously thought and probably others had thought before too. I can imagine it as a small receiver and transmitter device that is entangled in a expansive cosmic web of energy. We receive, try to find a meaning of what we receive or the process of making sense of this flux of information, and then put it in a form of language that varies from an individual to the other.
The more the individual is attuned to their complexity the more they can comprehend about what they feel in a more deeper and universal way. Thats why we have philosophers that their theories re-shaped the face of the world and others that lived their lives in the culturally created world and they were happy about it.
One of my earliest mistakes during my psychology studies, i thought that i can bottle one human being emotional experience in one theory or another trying to help them find a meaning of what they experience. And i guess i was totally wrong! . The whole therapeutic process doesn't happen after the therapist goes home and read more about the case or think deeper, in fact it happens during the lively dialog happening moment to moment between the two minds. I dont think that any psychological theory what ever it was would be able to encompass the human mind emotional experience. Not because its too difficult but simply because its never constant, its always on the move and keeps changing.
The whole persona construct are built during the external dialog with some one else or the internal dialog with a figure of a parent or any other creature from our near individual unconscious or even the collective unconscious of the whole universe.
I sometimes feel stupid that i have thought one day that i can bring something new to psychology!. I my self experience this great "void" of nothingness that scare the hell of me when im faced with it, when ever i try to avoid any masks of my personas. It seems that the whole idea of the persona lies in the very doing of interacting with some one else.
The moment you are solely and totally with your self and even without the internal dialog too, i experience the "nothingness" and it really irritates me because there i can find no language to describe what im feeling. Its this moment when you are in deep meditation and suddenly you found that your whole life is "nothing"!
This nothingness i guess is the "truth" that is unspoken and will never be spoken in a limited language.

The Myth of Power

"Perhaps there is no such thing as unilateral power. After all, the man ‘in power’ depends on receiving information all the time from outside. He responds to that information just as much as he ‘causes’ things to happen...it is an interaction, and not a lineal situation.
But the myth of power is, of course, a very powerful myth, and probably most people in this world more or less believe in it. It is a myth, which, if everybody believes in it, becomes to that extent self-validating. But it is still epistemological lunacy and leads inevitably to various sorts of disaster."
Gregory Bateson